What? Is it really 2018 already? I have had many road bumps over the last 52 years, latest bump, I was diagnosed with Cancer on January 5th. Woohoo!! Way to start the year!! Yes another adventure and another challenge…hmmm…ahhhh maybe not.
“You got this”..so my friends tell me! “You are strong”..relatives shout! I am not sure these are what you want to hear but it’s better than, “plan your will” or “sucks to be you”.
Honestly, my first thoughts were “Well, here we go!” I am treating it like anything else, a problem to be solved. I wonder if it was a call from the Universe or something the Lord sent down from the heavens for me to stop and take a breath. The journey started like a whirlwind but everything seems to be in slow motion now. Had to have a lumpectomy and a sentinel node biopsy on January 18th. I was really concerned that my retirement job of stripping for a living would be an issue. Good news! The surgeon who’s name reminds me of a delicatessen did a great job… She’s Italian so she’s no salami. I was so happy with the surgery, and feel my boobs could be displayed as medical miracles… I decided not to post any pics as that would just be wrong and my kids could be reading this. Ok, I digress…I was worried I would have some deformity and boobs aren’t something you can just ignore or hide…they stand out especially mine….
Next 3 weeks was waiting for the news..the results from the surgery. I was so looking forward to February 7th to get a complete outline of the plan to “kill” cancer. Well that surely didn’t happen. I keep forgetting to lower my expectations..
I find out I have cancer in my lymph nodes and could be possibly Stage 2 or as Dr. Deli told me, most likely Stage 3a. Ok, so not a Stage 4….I will probably live. She tells me she will order tests and more tests and expedite my appointment with the Oncologist. Well I am not sure what “expedite” means in hospital lingo but it sure doesn’t mean the same over in normal land.
I ask the surgeon’s assistant or secretary for a copy of the pathology report. I got reports alright…needless to say she is fairly new at her job and is easily confused… I will spare the gory details but I finally got a copy of the pathology report, after 3 tries and driving back to her office… Say what?! The pathology report was dated January 24th. This meant they knew 1 week post surgery that I had cancer in my lymph nodes and I had to wait 2 additional weeks for this information. Right away, I think, process is inefficient. No one called, no one scheduled any tests…what gives??? No one seems to be able to explain this…
Well I am now becoming “bosom” buddies with Mary, the surgeon’s person. I call her Feb 9th..she said she has put in all the requisitions…no appointments yet. Not sure why they don’t make all the appointments before you leave their office…again seems inefficient. She now calls daily. She called on Feb 12th, the CAT scan has to be done Feb 13th. Then she calls on Valentine’s day to say bone scan is March 8th. Still no oncology appointment. She calls again Feb 15th to say my Mammogram on the presumed cancer free miracle boob is April 17th. Well..at this rate I am thinking I better start making funeral arrangements… I want a cremation and on my tombstone it must say “she always wanted a smoking hot body.”
I decide that this whole situation is becoming rather comical. Maybe, there should be a movie made about it…”the funny thing about our healers” or “Stage 3 or Stage Left please” Yes it may not be funny but no sense getting your bra in a twist about it. Anyway hope you enjoy my dark and sick sense of humor and can relate to some of it.. The saga will continue…